Friday, May 23, 2003

Touch Not the Cat

Or, eat not the cat-like mammal, whichever. See, I know a few things about cats. The main thing I know about them is that will happily dedicate their entire lives to vengeance if you do them wrong. Oh sure, maybe the actual cat you bothered won't get you, but he or she will certainly invoke Kitty Karma and sooner or later, you will suffer the wrath of the felines.

China is a case in point. So now it turns out that SARS may have jumped from a "catlike" animal--considered a Chinese delicacy, btw--to the human population. Incidentally, the Chinese also farm and kill cats for their skins. Coincidence? I think not. Kitty Karma has arrived, and payback is a giant yowling alleycat bitch.

Don't mess with cats. They will get you. Oh yes, they will get you good.

Thursday, May 22, 2003

Vomit. Just--Vomit.

No, that's not a pithy commentary on the quality of commencement speeches at our nation's universities, l'affair Blair, or the latest pronouncements by anyone in Higher Ed. That's a three word summary of what my world is revolving around just now, and an explanation for the reduced bloggage. I had no idea that my child was a tiny walking petrie dish for every single germ floating around the world at large. Color me surprised. Oh yeah, and covered in vomit, so color me smelly as well. Is smelly even a color? Sleep deprivation and Wiggles-induced epilepsy (anyone seen the backgrounds on "Hoop-de-doo! It's a Wiggly Party?" It's an on-the-fly amateur epilepsy diagnostic tool!) have obviously taken their toll.

Back tomorrow. Dammit. Or, vomit. Whichever.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

My Sesame Street is WAY More Exciting than Yours

I was watching Play With Me, Sesame the other day, and I had an epiphany: I hate Ernie. No, really. I hate him, with a deep, abiding hatred. Why do I hate Ernie? Because he's The Roommate From Hell.

Look, I might be revealing my inner stick-in-the-mud here, but think about Bert for a minute. He's a quiet neatnik of a guy who likes collecting paper clips and training pigeons. And who does he get for a roommate? Mr. "Hey Bert, let's play a game!" psychotic extrovert Ernie, who tramples Bert's wishes to be left alone, forces him into playing some arcane game, and then abandons him at the moment that Bert decides it's fun to play. Ernie is constantly bringing over univited guests like Cookie Monster who trash the place, installing freaking drum sets in the middle of the living room, and have you SEEN the mess he makes when he bathes? Welcome to Ernie's world, where it's All. About. Ernie. Ernie? You totally suck.

Frankly, I think Ernie is playing with fire. Bert is quiet, keeps to himself, talks to birds...I think you see where I'm going with this. I wouldn't be surprised to see the following scenario played out one day:

Ernie: (in bathtub, singing) Rubber ducky, you're the one!

There's a knock on the door, then Bert enters.

Ernie: Bert, old buddy! You startled me!

Bert: What are you doing, Ernie?

Ernie: Well, I'm just taking a bath here with my best friend, Rubber Ducky!

Bert: Your best friend? I thought I was your best friend, Ernie. (Bert's mono brow creases downward in consternation)

Ernie: Well sure, Bert! You're my best pal too!

Bert: You can only have one best friend, Ernie. That's why it's a BEST friend, not bestests friendses.

Ernie: Hey, Bert! Don't be sad, Bert! You are my best friend!

Bert: (approaching tub with hands behind back) Which is it, Ernie? Me or the duck?

Ernie: Hey, Bert? What do you have behind your back, Bert? Bert? AAARRRRRGGGHHHH!

Later, we see Bert dressed as an old woman, sitting in a rocking chair and talking to a pigeon.

Bert: You were right, pigeon. It's MUCH quieter around here now.

The pigeon coos happily, and continues pecking at its meal. Bert reaches into the dish of bird seed and extracts a fuzzy red pom pom nose.

Bert: Sorry, pigeon. Guess I didn't sift it all that thoroughly.

Monday, May 19, 2003

What. A. Shock.

That Phil Donahue would use a commencement address to talk politics, not commencement. Could there BE a more inappropriate venue for the content of his speech? Probably not, else it wouldn't be a Donahue moment. Grr. Contrast the excerpts from Donahue's speech with those from Bill Cosby's speech at UNC-CH. Well, on the bright side, the students will always remember their graduation...